The biggest battle a graduate student faces before finishing up his thesis is the war that goes in his mind. His mind is split into two - one craving for the degree and another absolutely uninterested in doing the write-up part which unlike creative writing is laborious and uninteresting. If it is further fueled by some other addictions and distractions, Newton's laws of graduation start applying themselves in full swing and he is debilitated.
I am facing exactly a similar situation. All the work towards my Phd are staring at me to be written in the form of papers. But guess what ? When I see them, I feel they are not mine. Though they are the children that I produced, a sense of disowning has come into me. They are not mine any more. I do not want to make them into readable documents. The reason is that it is simply too laborious. So ? Procrastinate. Coupled with this is the fear of imperfections. What if this paper is not well written ? What if it is not accepted ?
Coming to think of it, I think it is really abysmally bad on my part not to have done it since, this is the only step that is left for me to get a degree. This is the only thing that is preventing me from getting a good job. One that makes me crawl financially while all my friends have been well settled towards life and projecting promising futures.
In this purtsuit of my PhD I have come to understand many of the qualities that have made me till today.
(1) Fear of failure
This is something I am not able to get over with. Be it singing a song, conducting an orchestra or writing an algorithm or giving a presentation - I shudder to think of myself as a failure and this has two diagonally opposite consequences - (2) and (3)
(2) Inactivity and procrastination
The fear of failure makes me popstpone things. This brings inactivity. This brings procrastination. This makes me not do perform those chores which I do not like, with a great efficiency. A good example is when I found that two of the algorithms that I created worked all the way uptil the last point. Even though I persisted with them, I could not make a breakthrough. This very situation usually puts me into inactivity. Not that I do not challenge myself, but because of all the accumulated past exeriences, I get bogged down when the end result does not come the way I expect resulting in inactivity. I donot want to do it since I fear I have failed in it.
(3) Overworking and trying to do justice to the image
I go on a complete overdrive sometime. This always happens with the things that I love the most. Music and mathematics - I go absolutely overboard. In case of music, I spend hours contemplating the styles and notes of the songs. When it comes to performing with the orchestra where I usually don the role of orchestra coordinator, I drill everybody, the most drilled being myself. I have heard people complain that I demand 100 % perfection. Well, true - at the end of the day because of talking and singing I have spat blood sometimes. My thorat goes so sore that I practice silence for atleast 3 days to get my voice back.
Regarding mathematics - yesterday when my friend casually presented me with a series summation problem, I had to do it. I am already known among my friends as a guy keenly interested in mathematics. Now that is some pressure - this problem had been solved with great difficulty over a period of 20 mins by two people. Now that I have been given that problem, I needed to live upto the image - I had to solve it. This occupied my head for the rest of the afternoon and unless I could come up with a clear solution, I could not sit calm. Well, I solved it within probably 45 mins.
What did I prove ? Did I prove to myself that I could do it ? Did I prove it to make my pride swell ? I think I did. I think I calmed my pride. I gratified my ego.
(4) tendency to get distracted
This is the highest when I am working on things I do not like. Committment is that last thing that I have towards anything that I do not like but still have to do. Even with meditation, until I sit I do not want to sit. And once I sit, the calmness is so beautiful that I do not want to come out of it. Thus once I like it, I do not get out of it. And if do not like it, I do not like to get into it and do not like to remain committed to finish it be it even of grave importance.
Presently I like writing this blog than doing my papers and that is why I write this blog. Sometimes I wonder how I could possible rectify myself. I am battling my own self. One part of mine says - man you need to get better - while another part of me which is lackadaisical and lethargic does not pay heed to it. I wish the former wins, for which I think will need a strong committment - the antonym of lethargy.
I am facing exactly a similar situation. All the work towards my Phd are staring at me to be written in the form of papers. But guess what ? When I see them, I feel they are not mine. Though they are the children that I produced, a sense of disowning has come into me. They are not mine any more. I do not want to make them into readable documents. The reason is that it is simply too laborious. So ? Procrastinate. Coupled with this is the fear of imperfections. What if this paper is not well written ? What if it is not accepted ?
Coming to think of it, I think it is really abysmally bad on my part not to have done it since, this is the only step that is left for me to get a degree. This is the only thing that is preventing me from getting a good job. One that makes me crawl financially while all my friends have been well settled towards life and projecting promising futures.
In this purtsuit of my PhD I have come to understand many of the qualities that have made me till today.
(1) Fear of failure
This is something I am not able to get over with. Be it singing a song, conducting an orchestra or writing an algorithm or giving a presentation - I shudder to think of myself as a failure and this has two diagonally opposite consequences - (2) and (3)
(2) Inactivity and procrastination
The fear of failure makes me popstpone things. This brings inactivity. This brings procrastination. This makes me not do perform those chores which I do not like, with a great efficiency. A good example is when I found that two of the algorithms that I created worked all the way uptil the last point. Even though I persisted with them, I could not make a breakthrough. This very situation usually puts me into inactivity. Not that I do not challenge myself, but because of all the accumulated past exeriences, I get bogged down when the end result does not come the way I expect resulting in inactivity. I donot want to do it since I fear I have failed in it.
(3) Overworking and trying to do justice to the image
I go on a complete overdrive sometime. This always happens with the things that I love the most. Music and mathematics - I go absolutely overboard. In case of music, I spend hours contemplating the styles and notes of the songs. When it comes to performing with the orchestra where I usually don the role of orchestra coordinator, I drill everybody, the most drilled being myself. I have heard people complain that I demand 100 % perfection. Well, true - at the end of the day because of talking and singing I have spat blood sometimes. My thorat goes so sore that I practice silence for atleast 3 days to get my voice back.
Regarding mathematics - yesterday when my friend casually presented me with a series summation problem, I had to do it. I am already known among my friends as a guy keenly interested in mathematics. Now that is some pressure - this problem had been solved with great difficulty over a period of 20 mins by two people. Now that I have been given that problem, I needed to live upto the image - I had to solve it. This occupied my head for the rest of the afternoon and unless I could come up with a clear solution, I could not sit calm. Well, I solved it within probably 45 mins.
What did I prove ? Did I prove to myself that I could do it ? Did I prove it to make my pride swell ? I think I did. I think I calmed my pride. I gratified my ego.
(4) tendency to get distracted
This is the highest when I am working on things I do not like. Committment is that last thing that I have towards anything that I do not like but still have to do. Even with meditation, until I sit I do not want to sit. And once I sit, the calmness is so beautiful that I do not want to come out of it. Thus once I like it, I do not get out of it. And if do not like it, I do not like to get into it and do not like to remain committed to finish it be it even of grave importance.
Presently I like writing this blog than doing my papers and that is why I write this blog. Sometimes I wonder how I could possible rectify myself. I am battling my own self. One part of mine says - man you need to get better - while another part of me which is lackadaisical and lethargic does not pay heed to it. I wish the former wins, for which I think will need a strong committment - the antonym of lethargy.
Hi, I can understand exactly how u feel. Human body(organism i mean) does'nt want to do A THING. We, make it do something by creating and identity in this world, so as to survive in this world, because this world works on money and we need to get it by one or other means. In your case, it's the degree which you gonna get. I like the way you have put in your thoughts on this blog and shows your honesty. you wanna dump ur feelings onto some space, so that you feel relieved. I have been following this blog quite sometime, you have an excellent voice. Wish you all the best in your profession whichever it may be. Take it easy on you. Have a nice day !
ReplyDeletehi,
ReplyDeletethanks. I have been trying to open up with all honesty since that captures my personality frame by frame. I feel that living upto an image is just making me sick and tired. I am trying to call a spade a spade. My korean friend once told me : "Murali, write on a small card all those qualities which you think are pegging you back and keep it in your wallet. Occasionally when you look at it you will shudder and will help you motivate yourself to remove all those bad qualities earnestly. It is difficult to be honest with yourself." I think I will try to do that as much as possible.
The song that I came to sing remains unsung to this day.
ReplyDeleteI have spent my days in stringing and in unstringing my instrument.
The time has not come true, the words have not been rightly set;
only there is the agony of wishing in my heart.
The blossom has not opened; only the wind is sighing by.
Oooops...not me, not me. Tagore. This was him talking about u.
Can I use pacha malayalam for a sec?? F'give me. But I must.Here I go- ahem...nalla chutta 2 peda. athu kittyaa okke sharyaavum. swapnajeevi.
Phew...
achinthya - adhokka kitti. ini sheriyaaguvO ennu nokkaam :)
ReplyDeleteNever been through this, so don't know a thing about this. :D
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone, I think almost everyone fear failures, but the way they re-coup differs. You are a typical perfectionist, that seems to be root cause of your current predicament. I know quite a few people who are like this and are under performers. We all are unique and are endowed with certain capablilties, but are also limited on several aspects.
ReplyDeleteLooks like you already know the reasons for your predicament, which by itself is a great victory, now what I'm going to say might not sound correct, but should help ; You have to let yourself fail to succeed. This is something we actually forget as we grow up. Every time I watch my kids I learn something new. My little one just started walking and she loses her balance 80% of the time, but eventually will walk and would again fail 80% of the time when she starts to learn other new things. We all work on the same principal. We fail to succeed.
The other aspect of your predicament is the choice of profession. If you are at a point where you need to take a break from what you are doing, do it. Do what interests you and this might give you a better perspective of what you really want to do. Don't curtail your creativity.
Regards,
Prem
Prem:
ReplyDeleteThat was very insightful. Thanks a lot. I think I will slowly learn if not fast. I will surely take your suggestions seriously.